A Revelation of My Heart

Last Saturday evening I attended the 2^nd annual Christmas dinner-theater production at First Baptist Church, Moriarty, NM. It was so enjoyable to be back with my church family and see folks I had not seen since my “retirement” at the end of August. Congratulations to the church and its choir for a wonderful production and a Christ-honoring evening. The church is progressing well as it moves into its future without me as its pastor.

Therein lies the revelation of my heart. My emotions were mixed that evening. As much as I celebrated the advance of the church, I could not help but wonder if they missed me. The question is not so much if they missed me as a friend. Of course they do. But I wonder if they missed me as their pastor,  if they missed my leadership. This is not a questioning of God’s leadership. I am very assured that God led the church and me into this new phase. What it does reveal is my continued desire to be appreciated, even glorified. I remember a line in the movie “Hoosiers” when Gene Hackman exclaimed that everyone wants to be a god even for just a little while. That pretty much sums up what I was feeling last Saturday.

My Fallen Heart

This is the essence of the fallen human condition that we inherited from Adam and Eve. We all want to be like god. Instead of acknowledging, worshipping, and glorifying the One, True God, and enjoining others to do the same, we all want to usurp his place in our own lives and the lives of others. As I travel to see my kids this week for Christmas, likely I will suffer this malady again. My desire for my kids to love and appreciate me as an earthly father so easily morphs into wanting them to appreciate me as a god—the one they cannot get along without. I am under no illusions as to the idiocy of that desire. One day—coming much too quickly—I will pass from their lives. But the desire to be worshipped as a god by my family, friends, and fellow human beings is much too prevalent in my heart.

I wish this ugly part of me would just go away. But like my continual struggle with eating too much of the wrong things for the wrong reasons, the desire to be god tenaciously clings to my being. What a wretched man I am! Some might say that there is nothing wrong with wanting to be appreciated. I agree with that somewhat. However, when that desire dominates me and my relationships with others, it bring inestimable harm to all. Self-serving leadership always does harm whether in families, churches, communities or countries.

While that ugly part of me is far from dead, I rejoice that it is declining. God has done everything needed to overcome that depraved part of me. He sent Jesus Christ to not only forgive my sins, but to give me an entirely new nature. 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV) Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!  I now possess a new nature that really desires God to be God in my life. Secondly, God sent His Spirit to live in me so that I can move from this wretched condition to a God-honoring life. This work of God is described in Romans 7-8, climaxing in Romans 8:37 (NIV) (In all things) we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Finally, in His Word God offers promises through which His power actually flows to transform me into true godliness. 2 Peter 1:4 (NIV) He has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. God is at work in me and will complete me someday (Philippians 1:6). John the Baptist claimed, “He must increase, I must decrease.” With God’s help that is becoming true of me too. Merry Christmas.